Hoy (Today)

I’ve had writer’s block for about two weeks now. Not sure why because I have plenty that I want to write about – Thanksgiving in foreign country away from the people I love the most, the new kitten, aka Little Mother Fucker, that is living with us, the bang up Saturday I spent with Rigo and friends that included beer pong, yes, beer pong, and more. But, for some reason the words haven’t come. Perhaps it’s due to a bit of stress about not landing a job yet, not exercising enough lately, not studying Spanish like I should, spending too much time thinking about what I’m doing here and with my life…

But today, today I was reminded of why I am here. People, in the States and in Costa Rica, ask me all the time “why are you here? What are you doing here?” My standard response is “Just living.” Recently though, since I haven’t been focusing on some of the obvious reasons why I came I myself have doubted that response. But today reaffirmed that ‘just living’ is exactly why I am here.

I woke up feeling sort of crappy. Not sick, but sluggish and wondering what should I do today. I don’t feel like being inside the gym, I don’t have the cash to restart my Spanish lessons and I don’t feel like venturing out to force myself to speak to people in a language I’m not comfortable with yet…So, I decided that the day would take it’s course, after tea, and rolled out of bed.

Over tea I learned that there was an opening for a free spa treatment at a local spa. The grils need to practice so they recruit people to come in and get pampered. Did I mention that it was going to be free? Ah yeah, step one for the day, I’m in! Nic and I arrived, left our shoes outside and walked into the perfect amount of air conditioning. Stephanie set us up with some guanabana juice, already it was worth the trip. You have to try this stuff.

Then I was led downstairs to a room with two soft walls and two walls of jungle for my ‘Organic Experience’ treatment. I got a full body workup from Marcia that put my mind and body at ease in less than seconds. It included a massage, a honey wrap, feet in hot boots, a facial and hair treatment. Each bottle of organic product, made right here in town, smelled better than the last. With each rub I remembered that I need to treat myself with the same softness. With each cool application of lotion I told myself that I need to be awake to what is around me each day. As I listened to the music of the jungle (and a little construction that was going on somewhere) I realized that it’s ok to take time out from life once in a while. It’s ok that I can’t get it all done at once. It’s ok that I am going at my own pace and at a pace that is different from everyone else’s. The treatment ended after and hour and Marcia led me to a steaming shower, with more fun products for me to use on my own (it was like opening all the little things in your Xmas stocking!). I cleansed, twice with each sweet smelling concoction, and finally woke up for the day. Woke up confident in my reasons for being here.

Nic and I then walked toward the beach. See? It just gets better and better. Along the way we dined on nachos piled with enough frijole protein to rival even Piela’s lunch of champions. We detoured to the beach via the jungle. I almost slipped in the mud, but who cares? The ocean was only feet away. I parked myself and Nic went on to tend to some bi’ness. I read a newspaper, in Spanish. No, I didn’t get it all, but I’m catching on. Rain started some time later. That in itself, not knowing the time, add that to the list of reasons for being here. If you must have a list…another reason. I still have lists (when Nicole doesn’t tear them up), but they are fewer and they aren’t as rigid. If something gets done, great. If not, great.

At some point I came home. Nic was kind enough to invite me to join her afternoon yoga practice. We sweat our asses off while watching crimson red birds perched in the tree, just beyond it the ocean was in view. We quieted, stretched, opened, set intentions for that hour only (reason 486) and I forgave myself for leaving my family, leaving my job, leaving Piela to pay more rent soon, leaving my car for someone else to spin, spending my savings, being selfish, for being 33 and needing my mom to pay my bills and make phone calls for me, not seeing my niece is months, gaining 10 pounds, getting too much sun exposure, not spending more time with Lee during his adolescent years, not doing enough yoga, not having the confidence to speak more spanish and not having a plan anymore. I’m letting things happen day by day, sometimes hour by hour here, and for some reason or many reasons, it just feels right. I am here…just living. Tenga un buen dia.