Separation Anxiety? Perhaps.

backdated to some time a few weeks ago

Nicole’s been gone for two 2 days. Rigo’s in San Jose. Pipo’s been MIA. Catie’s in the States, too. There’s lots of peeps around. A quick stop at the beach would yield tons of fun and interaction I’m sure, but lately I’m torn between reaching out, being available to people and hibernating.

Today is the first day that I have been alone since I arrived. I found myself unsure of what I wanted to do with myself, unsure if I wanted to solicit someone for fun, conversation or just hanging. So, I chose being with self for the day. Rather than think about it I just went with it and figured I would just move, move forward, go somewhere and whatever happens, happens.

First stop, Pali, for some culantro (cilantro in case you didn’t guess) to make gallo pinto. There I was reminded of my first pass at gallo pinto, wished Nic was here. Next stop internet café. I spent way too much time there sorting and sending pictures and responding to emails. But, no fighting it, I had fun all over again looking through my pictures thus far and I guess I needed to catch up on my communication, even though today was a day to be alone.

Perhaps I should have opted for a hike or surfing lesson to let out some steam, something, that is apparently inside. I found in the evening after there was no sunset left for me to enjoy that something inside had been waiting to come out. Induced by one glass of red wine, a sappy song on the iPOD and the silence in the house my mind became aware of this thing.

A pain welled inside, a wave just waiting to crash on me, water flooding over, in and around me. I knew it was there, but life demands that we move through it. I hadn’t allowed myself the time to let the wave hit for a while. Finding myself missing other people resurfaced the real separation that haunts me. My body went numb, immobile for a while. Flashbacks zoomed through my mind – the IV burst and blood was everywhere, vomit in a green I had never seen, lovers having their last conversation without privacy, loved ones “preparing”, if that is possible, for what is to come, and then, the blood moved away from her fingers. That, a similar feeling, visited me today. I knew what was happening then, but it was still a surprise. Again today there it was…weird, since I live with the memories everyday plus other life struggles and demons that people like me probably also deal with.

I let it come out. Then, I finished the wine. Buenas noches.