So, some more writer’s block lately. Feels like there’s a lot of thinking going on, but actually processing, making sense of those thoughts hasn’t really happened. They just keep turning over and over in the mind.
Things here are status quo. Maybe that’s what’s got me thinking. Status quo hadn’t really been working for me for a while. I want something different, change, new experiences and memories to put in the mind bank.
I did come here to “live” not just vacation as I watch so many others do. I have achieved that goal. I’ve settled in, I know enough Spanish, I’ve made friends, I work like the locals do, I don’t party like the passers-through. But, lately my focus has blurred. I wonder why I’m not doing all the things I “should” do. Then ack, that word “should”, I almost choke on it. I’m calling Webster, I’m recommending that it be removed from the dictionary and all languages.
I ‘should’ work more hours to make more money, I ‘should’ be exercising more, I ‘should’ get back to yoga, I ‘should’ call and/or go home more, I ‘should’ have kids before my eggs rot, I ‘should’ be an advanced Spanish speaker by now, I ‘should’ have more money in the bank, I ‘should’ see the boy less and the girls more, I ‘should’ be more active in the community, I ‘should’ never be in the sun, I ‘should’ forgive people that ever made me, or my mom, cry (don’t mess with my Mommy) I should see my relatives more, I should send postcards, I should work in corporate America, I should stop picking my zits, I should be home helping Lee with his homework (oh, right he doesn’t have any, or so he says), I should spend more time with Abby, I should go on blind dates, I should invest some cash in a home while the prices are low…Argh, it’s all running amuck in the head. I can’t even figure out if I want to go for a hike, a surf lesson or snorkeling.
You can tell my mind is out of whack when I turn to useless, mindless smut reading. I just finished Sandra Brown’s, ‘sweet Anger’. One of those trashy love novels where the charcaters ooze love and other stuff all over each other. A friend of mine here left it for me before leaving. I thought, “ah hell, everyone needs a little diversion now and then. And Dena loved this crap and she was a really smart respectable woman. So, I’ll try it.” I figured now was a good time since my mind has been incapable of focusing on anything anyway. I had been reading the Bible, in Spanish, but I thought that Book deserved more of my currently fuzzy brain. The smut was perfect. At least I was doing something while doing nothing. But, even I have to admit that it’s a pretty bad book when you actually skip whole lines or sentences while reading.
I’m not really sure where this post is going. Case in point…the mind can wander. Not sure why, can’t put my finger on it. But, I’m good with it. Maybe that’s the difference between then and now…
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