Never Alone

When I was going through a bad time a friend said to me, “Dying sucks, but it’s not the worse thing that could happen.” My response, “thanks a lot, and what planet are you from?” And his reply, “there is nothing worse than dying alone.” All right, you got me.

I write this blog for a few reasons. Depending on the post it’s a release of pain and the few creative juices I have, for some it’s entertainment, it’s especially useful at keeping my parents sane and sure that I’m alive and well, and I always hoped that it might touch someone in a special way…put a simple smile on someone’s face or pull at a heartstring that connects us for some commonality.

I received a note from an old friend last night. That was nice in itself, as well as a reminder that my Facebook membership is a cool thing and not just a way to keep up on what everyone is eating for lunch or doing before bed. What was even cooler was the appreciation she felt for my blog. Knowing that my posts(s) may have resonated with even one person make the sweat of getting to an internet café in the scorching heat or pouring rain worth the effort.

I’m continually asked why I’m here. In the laundry list of reasons I include ‘time to write’. Yes, I can hear some of you now, “you could write a blog from the States!” (Blah, blah, you’re just jealous cause it’s getting cold there.) But here, there are daily challenges that reveal hidden emotions, strengths and fears. Plus, time moves slower, allows you to sit and write without attached guilt. I’m unable to keep up with journaling the daily events here whether big or small, but each day surely brings new thoughts and feelings that get my mind rolling, giving me something to share from time to time.

Back to my old friend…she told me of troubled years, the suffering that she and her family endured and live with each day since the death of a family member. She thanked me for letting her know that she is not alone in her grief. And, I was happy to hear that they now live with more love for each other and the gift of life that comes with each day.

I am still sometimes puzzled by the notion that I know grief so well. After all, I’m so young, a mere 23. Shhh. It’s crazy that it is now a friend of mine that I take with me on every trip to a new country and every trip to the grocery store. I told her that I can’t fix it, no one can, it won’t go away, but one can learn to manage it, learn from it, and share it.

I shared with her that although I’m not typically a group therapy kind of person I did go to a support group during and after Dena’s illness. Awkward at first for sure, but worth being out of my comfort zone to quickly realize that while it didn’t erase the pain, it did massage it and lessen it to a degree just to know that I was not alone in my suffering. Suffering sucks, but doing it alone sucks more.

To this friend…if an AA type therapy session isn’t your thing then I offer you this alternative: I invite you to join the invisible circle that Dena created while on this earth. You are now a link in the “Feel The Love” chain. On shitty days, in those moments when the bastard known as grief comes creeping, put your hands on hips and imagine arms of strength weaving through, connecting you to us. It may be an arm of a friend from afar in Costa Rica, perhaps one of a total stranger. Either way may it steady and comfort you. Then, with your new-found sturdiness look to the sky. Channel your energy to it and know that chances are that same far away friend or a perfect stranger may be sharing that star with you – sharing your feelings, good or bad, in that moment with you. Lastly, for the best assist in helping you to find the courage to “Choose Happy” as you move forward with your day – unlink from the chain and give yourself a fine lookin’ crab shot that would make your big bros proud!!!